04 September 2008

The rules of D-, Vol. 1

Here are just three of the rules for life my four-year-old son D- seems to live by:

1. If you are told not to throw a ball in the house, that's merely an invitation to improvise-- parents like to challenge kids to think outside the box. Try bouncing it extremely hard, kicking or rolling it into something with enough velocity to propel it into the air (this process absolves you of any blame), or even rolling it up a wall hard enough to make it hit the ceiling. These are all proven winners that are bulletproof come Lecture Time.

2. There's hot, very hot, and freezing hot.

3. Baby blankets and other small cloths are made exclusively for children's entertainment, rather than for infant warmth, as is commonly misperceived. Additionally, they can be used for home defense by stretching them out across a polished wood floor, forming a devious booby trap for any rival four-year-olds* who might run through without paying attention or thinking about what happens every single time they run over a blanket on a wood floor.



* Important! Remember to slow down whenever you must run near these traps yourself.

23 comments:

Carolyn...Online said...

Freezing hot. I love it.

Kat said...

My brother used to use Micro Machines to booby trap the living room and hallway. Those things hurt when you step on them during a middle of the night bathroom break.

Christy said...

Yes! What is it with using the blankets (and it our house it was the cloth diapers that we used to throw over our shoulders in case there was any spitting up) to MacGuiver things around the house?!

Christy said...

Yes! What is it with using the blankets (and it our house it was the cloth diapers that we used to throw over our shoulders in case there was any spitting up) to MacGuiver things around the house?!

Rikki said...

I may have to set some traps this weekend. My son could be taken down a notch or two. ;)

Mama's Losin' It said...

Ummm yeah...between the fragile preschool starting and the blanket falling, we're totally living parallel lives.

Is it wrong that I get a teeny tiny amount of smug pleasure when I see one of those kids who are running too fast in the house slip on a blanket and go flying?

"Seeeee...I told you to slow down and stop running in the house!!"

That's probably the funnest thing to say as an adult...

Seeeeee....I told ya!!!

Mama Dawg said...

Next time set up a motion controlled camera to catch the action as it happens.

Then blog it.

Mary said...

Children get around the rules by being LITERAL in their interpretation. "I didn't throw it, I rolled it hard." "You never told me I couldn't write on the wall."

Laggin said...

I like "freezing hot". I feel that too!

And I bet that blanket trick would work on the cat when she goes psycho-kitty and races through the house like a maniac. Hmm. Must plot....

Always Home and Uncool said...

On the blanket thingy, what company makes those green and pink stripers they send home with your newborn. EVERYONE gets them. Talk about a lock on a market.

Kori said...

Freezing hot ALSO makes a sizzling sound, as Owen demonstrated over the weekend when he burned himself for the second time!

Mrs. B. Roth said...

Someday I need to post about my kid's "7 years of Wisdom" (his title) - a strange philosophy he developed for getting along with people (specifically as applied to mommy when she's really mad at daddy). It involves taking a big breath, getting their attention, saying sorry, promising to never do it again, taking a long walk, doing something nice, like baking brownies, and promising to be nice now.

Kids are wise. And funny.

Swirl Girl said...

In my house- we are only allowed to throw three things:

Balloons, kisses and up.

my girls can recite this rule and tell everyone about it.

Middle Aged Woman said...

Mom always said, "Don't play ball in the house."

fish said...

Congratulations on winning Best Daddy Blog!!

Renee said...

I love it swirl girl.

Renee said...

Also, you make a strong argument here for having rules in a home. We have very few, but now I wonder if we're depriving our kids of the chance to find a way around them....

My world just turned upside down.

MamaNeena said...

Freezing hot - that's a new one to me. Thanks for the heads up!

AMomTwoBoys said...

They do know JUST how to push our buttons, don't they. Little buggers.

Lola said...

My poor little brother walked into every booby trap ever set by me. It was hysterical until one time he fell and split his chin wide open, bled all over the house and my mother's car and got a crapload of stitches.

That fixed my little red wagon. He's still got a big scar 30 years later.

Seriously Mama said...

Tee Hee Hee. Love the Eddie Haskell-ness of D!

ali said...

Number 3. YES!! I keep telling my husband we don't need no stinkin' alarm system. Blankets on floor! Thank you!

LiteralDan said...

Carolyn...Online: You wouldn't love it if you were freezing hot right now, sister, or so I've heard.

Kat: Micro Machines would be damn near jacks in being painful to step on, although their slight roundedness might actually let them work for acupressure therapy if you stepped on them right. Therapy you would need to deal with all the pain from every time you stepped on them wrong.

Christy: You could kill yourself on a cloth diaper-- I think those things are coated with Teflon.

Rikki: Please do, and report back.

Mama's Losin' It: No, no it is not wrong. I get it all the time. It's just our satisfaction at seeing Papa Gravity teach a lesson we never could, far more effectively than any replacement we could offer. I never understand why some parents completely protect their children from any and all negative effects of their behavior.

Mama Dawg: Hmmm... letting videos take the place of writing up blog posts? I might be tempted into doing that.

Mary: Well, if you didn't, then they've got you there. I may get mad at the kid sometimes, but when he's right, he's right. That's why I cast a wide net-- so I can drag him in later.

Laggin: You must post video.

Always Home and Uncool: Thank you!! I always wonder this, aloud, and no one else seems to care. I have to assume the design is in the public domain, and multiple companies use it. You might think I was an old vet of the towel-supply industry to hear me go on about it when everyone else is looking at some lousy baby, but that's just the way I roll. Clearly, I've got backup.

Kori: The second time in how long? I need to know if I should laugh.

Mrs. B. Roth: Yeah wow, he is wise indeed. You must hate having him there to needle you when you just want to be pissed, ay?

Swirl Girl: What about a Mother's Day party? Can't they throw one of those? Boo-ya!! I will always find exceptions. If you reject the validity of this one, I will just find another one. Sorry, it's not your fault, you're only mortal.

P.S. That's a good rule.

Middle Aged Woman: And kids always said, "Okay" till she left the room.

Fish: Well, thank you very much!

Renee: Stick with the no-rules system. Keep them guessing, so they can rebel with common sense and order as teenagers. Then they will take over the world!

MamaNeena: Look for it on faucet handles everywhere.

amomtwoboys: I'd swear they got that instruction manual we're all always looking for, doing you think?

Lola: I wish I had a little brother like yours, stitches and all. Everything I did to my sister backfired just like that, and while she was easy to startle (still is), she was never much for booby traps.

A 30-year-scar has to put you on some kind of family record board. Where do you rank?

Seriously Mama: He's got it in spades, so there's plenty to love.

ali: You are very welcome. I highly recommend the ones with satin backing.